“You created every part of me;
you put me together in my mother’s womb.
…
When my bones were being
formed,
carefully put together in my
mother’s womb,
when I was growing there in
secret,
you knew that I was there-
you saw me before I was born.”
~ Psalm 139, Good News Bible
Six months after the birth of my first son, I had a post-partum depression. Sister Nora of the order of the Faithful Companions of Jesus introduced me to this Psalm. At the time, I was worn out on all levels from caring for a colicky baby and severe lack of sleep.
Who knew that such an exhausting experience would be the opportunity for spiritual growth and healing?!
And great news for all of you readers, whether you are a new mom or a seasoned grandparent, single or married, parent or not…wherever you are, at whatever stage of life, you can learn from the wisdom of someone who intimately knows the potent power of healing when we become conscious of our origins, within the womb.
Please meet Mia Kalef:
What Happens When We Are In The Womb?
Imagine suddenly growing the capacity to know you exist. That you have fingers that reach and feel, breath that moves your entire body, or a heart that, with every beat, brings you to the knowledge, “I exist…I exist…I exist.”
I think this is what our earliest stages of life in the womb mean to us. When we are so small, barely a fingernail length in size, we are the newest occasion of the universe coming into form, the freshest expression of life discovering itself. We become sensory, both to begin practicing for what life will be like going forward and also to report back to the life creating us, whom, without our report, could never really know how beautiful, magical, awe-inspiring, and pleasurable it is to live in a body.
Even though the last 80 years of scientific work shows we remember our experiences in the womb—and indigenous cultures all over have always know it. Many modern peoples don’t believe (or continue to forget) that babies as young as in the womb sense their world. We don’t need sensory organs like eyes, ears, noses, or brains to do that—our presence in our cells and our rapidly developing bodies, even around conception, are more than enough to leave us with impressions about our surrounding world. Questions like, “Is Mom safe? Healthy? Loved?”, which are synonymous with, “Am I safe? Healthy? Loved?” This deeply engrains habits in us and form the physical and emotional ground from which we will later breathe, rest, eat, and love (or not).
When I talk this way, people often despair. “You mean if I didn’t get a clear start or my family had troubles when I was in utero, being born, or a young child, it means I’ll suffer for life?” I understand their concern. We’re taught by modern science and medicine that our health is a stagnant picture: if you have a disease, you can’t get rid of it. If you have pain, it will continue to worsen. If you are ageing, you should expect a steady decline.
My response? I usually reply with “no”, we need not ascribe to these assumed “laws” of nature. It’s been my experience in 20 years of practice that the permanence, or worsening and decline of discomfort and disease, although common, need not be inevitable. Some of our life challenges are completely out of control and it’s mysterious as to why. And in many cases we can trace our present-day challenges back to our experiences in the womb and birth.
How To Do This?
The embryo, baby, child, teen, and adult longs to be known. Being known means “seen” for our unique attributes, gifts, capacities, and knowledge. Being known also means being celebrated.
Many babies (which means many of us) arrived here without being planned for or properly welcomed. Most people I know tell me, “I wasn’t planned for, but my parents were happy once they found out they were pregnant with me” while others say, “My parents were never happy, and my coming along further stressed their marriage.” And then there are very severe situations where people have survived being aborted or survived drug or severe alcohol consumption by their parents when in the womb. Being welcomed comes in degrees. We long to be seen and celebrated because we are here! If there is an added impact of being unwanted or injured during pregnancy and birth, this can leave us with very difficult feelings around our sense of self and sense of belonging in this world.
What Can We Do?
Recovery from early life challenges is necessary and doable. It also requires unique skill. The first ingredient is to find someone who wishes to be there for you. Many therapists sense there are pre-birth and birth issues underlying people’s challenges, but may not know how to listen for them and work with them. Seek out someone who does. Craniosacral therapists, osteopaths, and some counselors and psychologists know how to do this.
When people come to see me or attend my workshops, I watch and listen for subtle gestures cueing me to what happened to them when they were embryos, fetuses, or young babies. Once I start showing them that I see and understand their cues, they start to relax and reveal even more about their experience. This often happens without words and often comes in the form of body position or a feeling.
We follow their body or their feeling until they get a chance to experience that stage of their development again. I do my best to offer them an alternative to the way it went the first time…for example, without the spinning or cutting-off effect drugs caused them, or without the disorganization and insanity that alcohol left them with, or without the fear and hiding that pain or violence caused them. More often than not, the medicine is love- gentle, slow, willing, and attuned attention.
In my book, The Secret Life of Babies, I talk about patients I’ve worked with who have reclaimed their most natural way of being by confronting the imprints or leftovers from early challenging experiences. They’ve brought more freedom and contentment into their lives.
I also reassure people that it’s never too late to heal. If you can’t find a therapist near you, you can begin by developing your own intimate relationship with the very youngest places in yourself. I outline this in a healing process I call, The Intuitive Recovery Project, also found in my book.
Mia Kalef practiced as a Chiropractor and Craniosacral Therapist for eighteen years. During that time she founded Emerging Families, a center for therapy, research, and education for the primal period. She now mentors health professionals in bringing pre-birth and birth awareness to their work. Kalef’s course, The Intuitive Recovery Project, offers modules for opening the senses to relational intimacy with nature, self, and others. Additionally, her four-week online recovery program for families after challenging births is found at www.secretlifeofbabies.com.
Thank you, Mia, for your insights, your offer of hope, and your healing words.
In health and healing,
Donna
